you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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