I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
