we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
