how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
