Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
