it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
