I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize