my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
