I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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