2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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