you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Terrible idea I love it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize