I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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