He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
