Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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