Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
