My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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