I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
cat food counts as protein by the way
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
