This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
