This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
