Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
this hospital has no fireball
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
