my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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