At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
