i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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