why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
