dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
