im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
