eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
