I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
