Four minutes until I can fart!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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