Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
