I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
