dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
