You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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