I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
