So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
