he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
