Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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