I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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