some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
