I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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