Screwed.edu
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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