I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
