when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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