My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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