when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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