This is not my ceiling
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
