my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
