If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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