Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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