No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
