Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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