there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
