A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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