i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
